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Grief is one of the most overwhelming human experiences, especially after the death of a loved one. While loss is a natural part of life, knowing how to deal with it – or how to support someone who is grieving – can be deeply challenging. The process is rarely straightforward, and advice is not always what the bereaved person needs, unless they specifically ask for it. More often, compassion, presence, and patience go much further in helping someone navigate the difficult journey of grief.
In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Dr. Vandana V. Prakash – a clinical psychologist with over 30 years of experience in psychotherapy and currently associated with Max Hospital, Vaishali – discusses the complexities of grief as an emotional response. The psychologist – who has also contributed in writing a book on chronic pain, titled “Managing Chronic Pain” – outlines the different stages of grief and shares expert guidance on how best to support someone who is grieving.
What is grief?
According to Dr Prakash, “Grief is the response to loss, particularly loss associated with death, where a bond or affection had been present.” She highlights that grief extends beyond psychological repercussions, often manifesting through physical symptoms, social behaviours, and spiritual struggles. The psychologist adds, “It is not only an emotional response to loss, but also has physical, cognitive, behavioural, social, cultural, spiritual and philosophical dimensions.”
The five stages of grief
Dr Prakash states that a grieving person usually undergoes five natural stages. They are as follows:
Denial
“News of death brings shock and disbelief, and denial maybe just a coping mechanism,” the psychologist states, adding, “It is not an unusual response to sudden devastating news – by pretending it has not happened – simply because the intensity of grief is overwhelming.”
Anger
Dr Prakash recognises anger as the second stage of grief, which has a “masking effect for the emotional pain one carries.” It often manifests as intense outward reactions, often directed at loved ones or inanimate objects. The psychologist explains, “As thinking reasserts itself, most people do realise the inappropriateness of their angry response.”
Bargaining
A grieving person progresses to the next stage “when one starts to create ‘what if’ and ‘only if’ statements in one’s mind,” as per Dr Prakash. It is a direct result of the helplessness and vulnerability that follows loss, and it is a coping mechanism to regain some semblance of control.
Depression
Dr Prakash defines depression as a “persistent low feeling that has lasted for more than 2 weeks.” This is the next stage of grief and the psychologist notes the following symptoms – “One feels sad, unable to sleep, has poor appetite, feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, inability to perform day to day tasks, weepiness and at times suicidal thoughts and sometimes attempts too.” It usually takes about a span of six months for the depression to get better.
Acceptance
This marks the final stage of grief, which is characterised by acceptance of the loss and the understanding that life must go on without the departed person, as stated by Dr Prakash. However, acceptance does not necessarily entail that the person is no longer grieving and has learnt to move on.
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How to help a bereaved person?
Dr. Prakash shares the following professional guidance on supporting someone who is grieving. She cautions that offering advice is not always appropriate – it should only be given if the bereaved person asks for it. More often, simply showing up, listening, and being present can go much further in providing comfort.
- It is important to give solace to the bereaved family by being sensitive to their loss. Reaching out to them by being understanding, comforting and reassuring that they are not alone is advisable.
- Since people express grief in a variety of ways the sensitivity lies in giving the person time, space and permission to grieve.
- Talk gently about the dead person and then allow the aggrieved person to vent their own feelings. Preferably do not interrupt. Talking takes away the feelings of being engulfed by emotions.
- Allow the person to cry.
- Never be judgmental about the expressed/unexpressed grief. A lot of people do not cry, but that does not mean that they are not grieving.
- Certain platitudes are actually offensive like ‘he had lived his life and not died young’, ‘she brought this upon herself’, ‘God wanted him for himself’. These ‘consoling’ words frankly do not console.
- Allow the person to rethink how they would manage on their own. Offer suggestions, if applied to, but being imposing or insistent about them is not helpful.
- Grief sometimes lasts for a lifetime, so putting a timeline on loss is unwarranted.
- Sometimes talking about death in a gentle, detached and matter of fact way gives comfort to the grieving person.
- Religious texts also help in consoling people.
- At all times, do try to understand the person who needs to be helped. All methods are not equally applicable to everyone.
- Lastly, if depression persists or the person is suicidal then seek the help of mental health professionals.
Note to readers: This article is for informational purposes only and not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult a mental health professional if you are struggling with mental health concerns or suicidal thoughts.
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Hindustan Times k
